His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
