dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
