one word: firstdatebathroomanal
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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