Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
