i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
