My boss' voice literally gives me gas
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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