Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
