how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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