I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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