Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
