you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
