I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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