I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
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