ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize