If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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