hell yes lets make some ravioli
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
