If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize