Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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