I feel great
I just peed on a car
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
