I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
