He disabled his match.com account in front of me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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