I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
