i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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