Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
