Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
