Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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