i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
