You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
