I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
