Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
zippers are such a cool invention
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
