i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
