I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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