I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
