Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
