i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize