I'll bet she douches with gravy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
