Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize