I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
