My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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