i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
