He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
