Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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