wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
