saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Life is so much better after having sex.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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