he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
