and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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