I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
