You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
