just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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