I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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