Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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