That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize