so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
