Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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