What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
